Thursday, December 22, 2011

in memory of...

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Thursday February th, 18

Ben is dead. The words rung in my ears and wouldn’t stop. I just sank down on the ground, closed my eyes and wanted to cry. But I couldn’t. I just felt so scared. I couldn’t remember anything he’d said to me or what he looked like or what he was wearing the last time I saw him. I was scared I’d lose sight of him and forget the huge part of my life that he was.

There was an immediate connection between my cousin Ben and I since we were very young. My parents took on the role of his parent-figures since his mother and father died when we were too young to remember. We grew up together, from that developed an everlasting friendship. Having a friend is the most amazing part of life and Ben was just that. Being able to share my every thought with him was a gift. Now my gift has been taken away and I have developed an overwhelming sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I will never again be complete. There are some things in life that once you’ve lost you can never get back. The memory of this day will live on forever.

Friday February 10th, 18

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So many people came to see me today, to offer their condolences and deepest sympathies to both my family and I. Towards the end I couldn’t handle it anymore, their sympathetic looks and kind words only made things harder to cope with.

By the end of the day all words were a blur and my head was spinning but I remember, so clearly, what Marcus had said to me. Perhaps it wasn’t what he said but the manner in which he did. He simply held me close resting his chin on my head and wrapped his pale muscly arms around me as tight as he could. I stood there with my head resting on his chest taking in the familiar smell of his cologne and he said to me “I would rather die than ever see you suffering this way. I don’t want you or any other woman I may come to love to ever go through what you’re feeling right now, but its happened and I don’t know what to do.”

I never knew, until those very moments, how much a hug meant.

Saturday February 11th, 18

Love is a bond which can connect two people for their whole lives. Today I realised I loved Ben. Not in any romantic sense like the way I feel for Marcus, but I loved and treasured his friendship. I loved the way he made me laugh so hard my stomach would ache and I loved his thirst for life. I loved the way he was so genuine with everything he did and everything he said. He would sit slightly hunched over looking directly into my eyes with his huge brown puppydog eyes and tell me exactly how he though the world should be.

Up until now my father and I have been distant and talk to each other for as little as possible, but today I realised how much he truly loves me. I am his only child, he would sacrifice anything for me and it has taken this tragedy for me to realise this. He loved and respected Ben and doesn’t want my life to end the way his did. Dad sat down and talked to me, quite genuinely, in an attempt for me to understand why Ben left us so suddenly.

He told me that Ben was the most brilliant child he’d ever known, he knew all the answers. But, when you know all the answers, there’s no room for dreaming. There’s nothing to look forward to if you don’t have dreams because dreams are goals. So he died.

But we’re alive and have our whole lives in front of us. Nothing will happen today or tomorrow, it’s going to happen in years and its something to look forward to.

We promised each other we’d never stop dreaming.

Sunday February 1th, 18

Not a moment has gone by where I haven’t thought about him, or wondered why he did it to himself, but I guess there are some questions in life that will go unanswered forever. As much as I love Ben, I can never forgive him for what he did. He selfishly took his life in search of something better and I miss him with all my heart.

The only other person in this world that I respect as much as I did Ben is my best friend Lexie. I listen intently to her every word and she would never do me wrong.

Apart from my family and my boyfriend Marcus, she is the only one I will let through my door. I have locked myself in my room and refuse to come out until some sense is made of the world, decent people are taking their lives for unknown reasons.

Lex said to me this afternoon one of the wisest things I’ve ever heard her say. She told me that living is the challenge, not dying. Dying is so easy. Sometimes is can take as little as ten seconds to die. But living? That can take you eighty years, and you do something in that time whether it be giving birth to a baby or becoming a barrister or a soldier. You’ve accomplished something. To throw that away at such a young age, to have no hope, is the biggest tragedy.

Monday February 1th, 18

Some try to tell me that Ben died because he wasn’t happy. There’s a hell of a lot more to life than being happy. It’s about feeling the full range of emotions happiness, sadness, anger, and grief, love and hate. If you try to shut off one, you shut them all off. I don’t want to be happy. I know I’m not going to live happily ever after. I want more than that. I want to go right up to the beauty and the ugliness. Want to see it all, know it all, understand it all. The richness and the poverty, the joy and the cruelty, the sweetness and the sorrow. That’s the best way I can honour my true friend who died. That’s the best way I can honour my parents who brought me into this world, and my friends who have kept me standing. That’s the best way I can live a life I’m proud of. I want to experience everything life has to offer. I want freedom. The horror is that Ben felt he had to die to get his. The beauty is that I’m living to achieve mine.

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